I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
