Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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