i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night