I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
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After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
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it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.