On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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