This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
