I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
