glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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