My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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