i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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