textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
