I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?