I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.