waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.