He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
