My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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