omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
