Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
