i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
