it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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