In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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