saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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