Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
