i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
