Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
