I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
