True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
