Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
