I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
