i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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