people are starting to question the shark bite story
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
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A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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