I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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