the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
