I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
