It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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