The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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