God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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