my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
