Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
