The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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