Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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