Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
