the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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