im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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