I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
