Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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