I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bring money and cleavage
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
