god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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