I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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