i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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