Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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