She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
