Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
