We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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