DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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