why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you will always have a special place in my vag
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
