wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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