Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
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Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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