hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
