Umm I'm too high to move.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
