Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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