is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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